I wrote
this blog while going through a very dark season a few years ago, but at the
time I was reluctant to make public what was happening in my life. I feel prompted by the Lord to share it now….
My husband went to heaven in January 2014. About a week before his
death, the Lord spoke to me, “I’m going
to walk with you through darkness.” At that moment, I knew in my heart what
was ahead, but it was so hard to accept. The thought of losing my husband was
unbearable. My mind and heart screamed, “No! I don’t want to walk through darkness!” It was
after Wayne’s passing that I was advised by a godly man whom I trust to look at
the positive aspect of that statement: Even though I must walk through
darkness, I don’t have to walk alone. God said He would be with me. He would
walk with me. He is walking with me.
The darkness is not where I want to be, but here I am. I no longer
have my husband by my side. And I find myself still questioning why God allowed
it to happen. Now, I have accepted a new position and have
moved away from everything familiar to me. I firmly believe I am in God’s will.
In my spirit, I am assured that this is where I am supposed to be.
I came here for a “new beginning.” I thought I was going to
walk out of darkness. But [in September 2015] three months after my
move, I was told the same words that my husband heard four years earlier: “You
have cancer.” My world crashed. My first thoughts were of my [then] 18-year-old
daughter. How could this be happening so soon after my husband’s death? It was
bewildering and devastating. I guess I somehow thought I was
immune. Statistics tell us one in three will get cancer. The disease took
my husband, Bethany’s father, and it was unfathomable that the same thing was
happening to me. It has been difficult to comprehend that I must now fight this
disease. It’s hard. It’s discouraging. It’s sometimes depressing. And I find
myself further questioning my Father.
Then I remember, God never said life would be easy. He never told
us we wouldn’t suffer. In fact, He said the opposite. But we don’t want to face
the difficulties of life. We want everything to fall into place according to
our dreams and plans. Often, life takes a different direction than we expected.
Through all of this, I somehow have to learn to trust that God can take this
hard, discouraging thing and turn it into something good. He is still walking with me. He’s still working in my life. He
hasn’t left me. His Word promises He will never forsake me. His desire is for
me to submit to His will and let Him do in my heart what He wants to do.
I have to remember, it’s not about me. It’s all about Him. It’s
about Christ and what He did for lost humanity. He suffered and died so that
those who will accept His sacrifice can live eternally with Him. It’s about
getting that message to those who need to hear of His love. That’s what is
important. Not how sick I am. Or how long I have left to live. While I know
that God heals, I also know that none of us has promise of tomorrow. Any one of
us could breathe our last breath today and step into eternity. The most important decision you can make,
while you still have breath in your body, is to accept Jesus Christ as your
Savior and commit your life to Him.
I am so thankful that, though
I walk through the darkness, God is with me. I can’t imagine facing the
troubles of life without His guiding hand. More importantly, I am assured that
His presence will be with me when the time comes for me to walk from this life
into the next.
So, I place my hand in the hand of my Father and continue to walk,
trusting Him to lead me according to His plan, and believing that I will walk out of the darkness with Him by
my side.
Scriptures
for Reflection
Psalm 23 (NKJV)
The
Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
