I have had much turmoil in my heart as I have fought with God for answers. I've asked all the questions. "Why? Is this my fault? Did I do something wrong? Are You punishing me? Why are You angry with me? Why are all of these other couples growing old together, and I have lost my husband?" I've been angry. I hate to admit, there have been periods of time I would hardly speak to my Father. But He held onto me. He didn't give me answers. But He lovingly and gently brought me back.
From the beginning of this season, a word I have continually heard in my spirit is, "Wait." I sensed that everything I did, every decision I made, He wanted me to take my time, not rush. And I have had many decisions to make. So I have endeavored to remain calm and take one step at a time.
Even though God spoke to me, and I knew He had His hand on me, at the same time I have been unsettled, agitated, worried; because if you have a good marriage to a man you love and then you lose him, you don't want to be alone. And while grieving for Wayne, I have been taunted and haunted by thoughts of spending the rest of my life alone and wondering what the future holds. But God is gracious, and He has helped me--through His Word, through the advice of friends, and through books, songs, sermons and prayers--to gain a measure of peace. He has spoken to my storm and calmed me. I finally came to a point of surrender where I could honestly say, "Lord, not my will, but Yours be done. I want to be an instrument in Your Hands. I want to live my life as You would have me to, doing what You have placed in my heart to do. And I will follow Your plan whatever that is." It is tremendously freeing to finally come to that place.
I know there are still rough days ahead. I also know that God, my Father cares. And He is still speaking to me-- "Wait." He wants me to wait while He works in my heart and prepares me for the next season. So, I will continue in this season of waiting.
Lord, I submit to the working of Your Spirit. Do a work in me that only You can do.
Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord! (Psalm 27:14, NKJV)
Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. (Psalm 33:20, NKJV)
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31, NKJV)
