When the Father Says "Wait"

I am in a season of life in which I never wanted to be.  On your wedding day, you say the words "until death do us part."  But you hope it won't happen until you've spent many years together, and you are old and gray.

I have had much turmoil in my heart as I have fought with God for answers.  I've asked all the questions.  "Why?  Is this my fault?  Did I do something wrong?  Are You punishing me?  Why are You angry with me?  Why are all of these other couples growing old together, and I have lost my husband?"  I've been angry.  I hate to admit, there have been periods of time I would hardly speak to my Father.  But He held onto me.  He didn't give me answers.  But He lovingly and gently brought me back.

From the beginning of this season, a word I have continually heard in my spirit is, "Wait."  I sensed that everything I did, every decision I made, He wanted me to take my time, not rush.  And I have had many decisions to make.  So I have endeavored to remain calm and take one step at a time.

Even though God spoke to me, and I knew He had His hand on me, at the same time I have been unsettled, agitated, worried; because if you have a good marriage to a man you love and then you lose him, you don't want to be alone.  And while grieving for Wayne, I have been taunted and haunted by thoughts of spending the rest of my life alone and wondering what the future holds.  But God is gracious, and He has helped me--through His Word, through the advice of friends, and through books, songs, sermons and prayers--to gain a measure of peace.  He has spoken to my storm and calmed me.  I finally came to a point of surrender where I could honestly say, "Lord, not my will, but Yours be done.  I want to be an instrument in Your Hands.  I want to live my life as You would have me to, doing what You have placed in my heart to do.  And I will follow Your plan whatever that is."  It is tremendously freeing to finally come to that place.

I know there are still rough days ahead.  I also know that God, my Father cares.  And He is still speaking to me-- "Wait."  He wants me to wait while He works in my heart and prepares me for the next season.  So, I will continue in this season of waiting. 

Lord, I submit to the working of Your Spirit.  Do a work in me that only You can do.

Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord! (Psalm 27:14, NKJV)

Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. (Psalm 33:20, NKJV)

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31, NKJV)